My Son. . .

So upon finding out for sure we are expect a little boy I had as many pregnant women do, an overwhelming mix of emotions. Ever since I was about 5 weeks pregnant I had been calling the baby a boy. I can only assume it was out of my own personal preference to have a boy for our first child and the knowledge that my husband wanted a boy as well.

I had been so very anxious through out my entire pregnancy to date. I am a naturally anxious person, add in a dash of pregnancy hormones and well I have been close to a hot mess for the last five month. The unknown was really getting to me since we had been told to wait until I was 20 weeks to find the gender. A week before my big ultrasound I broke down and bought an intelligender test, because i wanted something to tie me over until the following week. The test said boy so at that point I convinced my husband to go shopping for a few baby boy things.

After spending a little more money than he had hoped we got things to quench the desire to buy gender specific items. Then buyers remorse or simply anxiety hit. My husband began to ask me everyday you kept the receipts right?? Mind you we had bought all of these cute little boy clothes, blankies, sock and shoes based off this at home urine test. I assured him yes I did keep everything and if the test and I were both wrong I would take it all back. I told him I was 82% sure that the test and I were right that was a B in a grade scale and b is for BOY!  So I was willing to bet that this baby was a boy.

Then hit the doubt the following 4 days up until the ultrasound every though entered my mind about what if i was wrong. It reality it would not have been that big of a deal I would of simply returned the sports wear for dresses and lace. However it was the point where I had convinced myself I was having a boy in order to deepen the connection to this growing thing inside of me. This baby that I was caring for the last five months that I had begun to feel kick but still forgot about from time to time.

Flash forward to my ultrasound, my husband and I walk into the room and the tech who had sadly lost her voice was explaining that she wanted just my husband and myself in the room while she took the babies measurements and then the grandma's to be could join us. Mind you we have an entire waiting room full of people that we had invited to be with us. She began she scan and we saw our little baby for the third time. He had changed so much since he was just 12 weeks. I immediately looked for his heart which I saw was flickering and took my first breathe. Then my impatient husband began to ask as every new change to the screen came, "it that his parts?" or "is that between the legs?"  and finally, "is that it?"  After asking so many times the tech smiled and moved from her measurements down to the baby's bottom and then she says it. "That is the scrotum and that is the penis. It's is a boy." My husband reached both arms up in the air and whispered out "YES!" I simply smiled and turned to him and said, "Told you!" 

At that point he let her finish her measurements, then he asked one more time, "are you like 100% sure?" She scrolled down to his legs again and said yep that is it. He smiled and said, "ok jut wanted to make sure."  The tech then said we could have the grandmothers join to see the baby and she would once again show us the sex. I instructed tony to not tell the grandmas anything let them be surprised.

A few moments later in walked the grandma's and of coarse my overly anxious mother-in-law just like her son asks, "does it have a ding, ding??" So before the tech could even show them Tony blurts out, "YES!" I just laughed at them both. The tech rolled over the babies profile and for the third time showed us his private parts. She said she needed to take a look at all the images she had and told me to go ahead and empty my bladder while she reviewed the pictures. She came back shortly and said that she needed a few more images and she would print out several for me to take home with extras for grandma's.

Now after that very long explanation/story about the actual ultrasound the following few days have been filled with joy, tears and yes more anxiety. It is real now, we are having a son. August 1st 2010 we expect Titan Jax Conti to enter the world and enrich our lives. I thought I would be happier about every stage of my pregnancy than I have been about the previous. That sounds so horrible to say so I think the best way to put it, is I thought I would be less anxious in a bad way about everything. I cannot wait to hold him and see him. However that desire is followed by the knowledge that I will have to hand him over to my husband everyday so I can go back to work. I don't want that to damper my desire to see his face for the first time to hold him in my arms and kiss his face, but that reality is just the hardest pill to swallow. Even now as I type this it brings a tear to my eye. In the best light at least I am able to leave Titan with Tony as apposed to daycare.

As well the reality of how much my life will change and how quickly that baby time will be over then I will have a son who is in elementary school, junior high, then high school. I know I am jumping way ahead of myself here but all I ever hear is how quickly they grown up. I know the bond between mother and son only lasts so long before he wants dad more because they can talk about guy stuff and hang with his buddies more then both of us. I remember a saying my grandmother used to tell me about sons, "A son is your son until he gets a wife, your daughter is your daughter for life." And yes I said I wanted a son first and I wanted to have a baby. I never realized that my pregnancy would be this confusing or emotional. I like many though foolishly I will never be one of those crazy pregnant people. This pregnancy has had so many surprises, joys and even some sorrows than I could have ever told myself was coming. I am sure of one thing I love my little man already and will cherish every moment of every stage of his life. As well remind myself this is only the beginning and that the worries and fears are part of the package deal that comes with having kids.